Two Trips
setting, preparation, and reflection
By: Stuart Gordon
January 16, 2021
Salvia Divinorum (10x) 10mg
The lights rushed passed, electric cars whirred almost silently by. The city was bright and alive, a constantly moving menagerie of chaos. The rat race. Meanwhile in the concrete backyard of my Brooklyn apartment I raised the glass piece to my lips. I sparked the torch and inhaled. Earlier that day I had tried a smaller hit, while we were still in the park to little effect. This time I wanted to feel it and so when I inhaled I pulled all of the smoke quickly and held my breath. The trick with salvia I had heard was to hold it in and count down from 30. I made it to 20 before the world began to melt away. The layers of the universe, which had been seamless just a moment ago began to open like the pages a book and I was transported between the layers into the seat of a car. I was the driver.
I drove on a road littered with pastel colored triangle and square blocks. The world seemed out of a child’s imagination, with very simple shapes and contrasting colors. But as I drove something felt off… The car wasn’t quite responding to my touch. Maybe, I realized, it is because I am driving while high. As soon as I realized it, driving became very difficult. My vision started to blur at the edges and the car fell out of my control. Suddenly I recognized a section of the road and realized that I was on a turn on 35W. Appearing around the corner was a large square, I tried to avoid it but it filled the frame of my vision, my car hurled straight towards it. The crash began to occur in slow motion.
The car was slowly shredded by the square crashing into it until the square finally touched me. I felt it first hit my forehead and from there I felt the layers of reality begin to split again. Again, like the pages of a book as it opens, the universe split into pages and I began to slip through. I suddenly felt a deep, primal fear well up inside of me. I held on to the edge of the last layer slipping away. Amidst the rushing lights and whirring sounds a vision flickered, a childhood memory. I was in my friend’s backyard. He and his mother stood at the door and I ran down the concrete path to meet them. In the middle of this path were three concrete stairs. I remembered tripping on these in my childhood and bloodying up my knee terribly. I looked on at the scene and watched myself trip again. Slow motion. This time though it was my head, not my knee, rushing towards the concrete. I looked on with horror as the vision flickered and froze in the moment right before my forehead touched the ground. The layers in this new vision began splitting apart, again from the forehead, and yet simultaneously above me I felt the layers of the last world closing. Was I to be trapped in this world? I would have to let go or else be split. But that would mean releasing into this void? The cacophony that was growing below me, the layers being ripped apart by the wind. The last parts of the vision still intact… me hurting towards the ground, my friend’s mother opening her mouth as if to yell out. “Wait! Slow down!”
I could feel my fingers slipping as the layers were closing. In a panic I realized that once the layers closed on themselves I would be dead and cease to exist. In terror I flailed, trying to pull myself out. It was no use, the layers slammed shut like a closed book. I was suspended in nothing. The void surround me.
And then with a rush I could see again. I was in the Brooklyn backyard, sitting on the concrete. My friend sat next to me looking concerned.
“You were talking to someone, bro.”
“I wasn’t talking to anyone”
“You were mumbling to someone… you look pale. Are you okay?”
“I’m fine” I mumbled.
This experience is one I have reflected on possibly the most. The aftershocks of this trip were the worst I experienced and often I’d hear voices in my head telling me I had spoken to death. I spent almost a year reflecting and processing the trip. I have tempered my road rage and have created systems to reduce stress behind the wheel. Needless to say I haven’t driven under the influence since either. Although a scary one, I have grown to be extremely thankful for this trip. The impression it made has been a lasting one and through my processing and reflection it has become a positive one as well.
Freebase DMT 10mg
After trying salvia I was nervous to try other psychedelics with similarly intense trips. After some reflection I had decided the chaos and stress of my environment had negatively impacted my psychedelic trip in New York. Now that I was back in Minnesota for my senior year of college I decided that I would only partake if my mental state was clear.
This proved not to be the case as the first few months unfolded with acid relapses in the middle of the night, voices whispering from the walls, and a constant stream of consumption kept me disoriented and mentally rocked. I was extremely stressed with the work of graduating and this weighed down on me the most.
I remember the day everything turned around however.
I woke up feeling amazing. I had limited my consumption that week and my body was thanking me for it. It was the end of the first semester as well and I had received my grades early in the morning.
Passing.
I was jubilant. There were still meetings and rehearsals to attend that day and I went to each of these on time and relaxed. I remember thinking that it was as if a switch had flipped and I was living how I should’ve been this entire time. I didn’t understand exactly why today was going so well, but I was embracing it fully. I finally feel clear. I thought to myself.
When I returned home our friend, Harry, from the cities has driven down. As always he had brought his store of weed for us to choose from. This time he had something else too.
“I heard you were interested in DMT, buddy” he said with a friendly grin. I stopped. Could the day have truly gone this well? I nodded. I had been researching DMT since my freshman year. It had been a subject of fascination for a while, and I was surprised in myself that I actually felt ready to do it on that day. Perhaps it was because this was turning out to be such a special day.
He smiled and pulled out a small bag of a clearish white substance.
“How are you feeling? Are you ready to try some?” He asked. I took a moment to think but I already knew the answer. It felt as if, earlier in the day, I had thought through this moment though had no idea it was actually coming to pass.
“I’m ready” I said.
We sat down on our porch, the sun shining through the skylights and windows.
Harry sat in an armchair next to me. Across sat my friend August and to my right Jackie and Owen. Harry put a small amount onto a metal tool to be used with the glass rig.
“We’ll try a little bit first” he said.
I inhaled the smoke it produced and instantly felt my body become buoyant. It seemed as if a cloud filled me. I tasted lavender.
A huge smile cracked on my face and when Harry saw it he also smiled.
“I think a bigger one now” I nodded.
This time I took the hit and inhaled slowly. As I held my breath in I watched the walls slowly begin to warp and then melt away. I turned, wide eyed, towards Harry who was now surrounded by a purple glow. The power of the DMT. I thought. He has the same sense too. He nodded at me and I turned to look at Owen and Jackie. I felt a similar rushing to the salvia and saw the porch begin to shred away. This was different though, it was warmer. I listened to the rushing sound intently. As I listened I saw a black cloud grow and begin flying off of Owen and Jackie. I realized that the cloud was actually a mass of crows flying around and out of the couple. Their wings formed the rushing sound and they were plunging into the sky with fervor. The rushing sound increased and I couldn’t hear anything but the crows. I closed my eyes and felt myself join the rushing and move upwards. I was moving so fast and violently I could feel myself begin to fall backwards… towards the other side. My eyes sprung involuntarily open. I saw August and felt the rushing stop immediately. Everything was suddenly still. Transfixed I watched as the ground around us collected into clouds. The sunlight reflected on August’s dark skin and turned it gold. Suddenly the light haloed him and I realized we had been elevated to the temple of the Sun King and I was kneeling before him in all his glory. Light reflected off of him like he was made of pure gold and he looked at me, questioningly. I knew that I had been brought to send him a message, yet I couldn’t remember what it was. My mouth moved but no sound came out.
“Give him some water” I heard. Next thing I knew a glass of water was put into my hand and I was drinking it. I felt as if the water was my lifeline to earth. The plane the water made grew level with me and I realized as I tipped it I could tip myself forwards into the water. If I tipped myself further I might be able to immerse myself in the underwater world of the cup. But the water was bringing me back to earth and try as I might the current pushed me back down. As I tipped the glass back and drained it another was placed into my hands. This one brought me the rest of the way back. My skin felt cold and wet, as if I had walked through a waterfall. I was refreshed, my mind stripped and blank. Free.
I looked around at my friends.
“Try going outside” Owen said.
I shakily got up and walked into the yard. Large squirrels, maybe 3ft long lazily bounded around the backyard. The grass was bright and green, my house a cosmic red, and the sky a humming blue.
I hung on the swing set and let the rhythm rock me. The trip was slowly starting to fade. The squirrels were regular sized again and the colors began to dull to their usual faded appearance. I smiled and meditated to the rocking. Pinpricks of joy pressed from within me and I felt an overwhelming sense of safety and security.
The salvia relapses and taunting voices ceased after that day.