I was first introduced to shrooms at a party during my early years of college. At the time, I didn’t know much about shrooms nor did I have an opinion on it but took it when offered to “enhance my euphoria.” To be honest, I don’t remember much from those times but it must have been good as I found myself doing shrooms at multiple parties after my first encounter. It wasn’t something I was very reflective of. Heck, I wasn’t that reflective of a young man at that time. I just knew that I had a great time whenever I tripped at a party. But, as with most novel things for young adults, the shrooming-plus-partying phase passed for me and I was back to just “regular” partying with alcohol.
It wouldn’t be until just a few months ago that I would see or consider doing shrooms again when I had attended a party at a relative’s place. My cousin had brought some penis envy mushrooms and lauded its effectiveness and a bunch of other things I was not paying attention to since I was in conversation with someone else. But it didn’t take much for her to convince me to take them with her. Now a little older and presumably a bit wiser, I took the mushrooms that were offered to me with a bit of caution, which was probably about two grams worth. They were shredded up and passed around in a bowl to anyone who wanted to try it (now that I think back to it, we probably should’ve used a spoon to scoop it into or onto something to consume it because — you know, coronavirus). At that time, I might have been too cautious because I didn’t feel anything remotely close to what was advertised, but having had my fair share of substances, I knew better than to go back in and take more. So, I waited it out and by the time the party was over, I still felt nothing. Before my cousin left, I jokingly scolded her for being a fraud and that her shrooms were phony, so she decided to leave me with half of the bag that she brought. It wasn’t the response I was expecting, but she refused to take back what she had already given. If you’re Asian, you probably know what I mean.
So, I returned home with about half an ounce of penis envy mushrooms and decided to do more research on the effects of psilocybin mushrooms. After learning more about the positive benefits of doing shrooms and hearing people share their experiences, I planned to go on the reputed “hero’s journey,” which happens to most people when they take a certain amount of a psychedelic substance and where most experience ego death. From my understanding of what the hero’s journey and ego death was, I didn’t think that it was something I experienced before back when I was shrooming at parties. I’m sure that had to do something with the insane amount of tolerance I and many of my friends had when we were just a few years younger and also the fact that I was doing it regularly. Not really knowing how it would affect me, I was a bit anxious and invited some friends over to join me or just to keep an eye on me in case anything crazy happened.
My friends arrived and we hung out for a while before it was time for those of us who wanted to trip to take our shrooms. For the others, it would be their first time doing shrooms, although they weren’t going to take as much as I was. I took five grams, which was the suggestion to reach the hero’s journey on penis envy mushrooms, and watched my friends take their doses. The waiting period for the onset of the shrooms was very much like waiting for an edible to hit. We put on the movie Spirited Away by Studio Ghibli as we waited and probed to see if it was “hitting” anyone yet. Sure enough, about thirty or so minutes into the movie, we were all feeling something. The room felt distorted, walking was wobbly, and we were very, very funny. It was probably the funniest night I ever had with my friends.
But as we watched the movie, I started experiencing a deeper connection with the movie. One of my friends leaned over to me and explained to me how Spirited Away can be seen as an analogy to child prositution. I was broken. From that point on, I couldn’t stop crying for the rest of the movie. Everything that the main character, Chihiro, was experiencing started fitting to the horrors of human trafficking and I couldn’t unsee it. But the most profound part about it was that, not only did I have more compassion and empathy for her, it was as if her pain was my pain. In my heart, every degree of separation between us, Chihiro and I (and the many children who suffer in this way), was severed. I came to know their pain spiritually and personally. It was at this point that I had experienced ego death.
After the movie was done, I felt overwhelming love and connectedness towards my friends in the room. When I looked at them, I could truly see them and all that they were. It was as if I entered a realm with an intangible screen playing tidbits of their past, present and futures, every thought and every breath. This unparalleled peek into the essence of my friends transformed the way I saw them and forever changed how we love and care for each other. This sensation was so potent that I felt that anyone could have been in that room with us and I would have felt this immeasurable intimacy with them.
When I had decided that I wanted to go on the hero’s journey, part of me had wanted to see “things.” What I didn’t realize was that I would see myself and the world around me for what it really was. All the brokenness in myself and in the world had become apparent to me in those moments when I was crying my eyes out and soon after, almost as if in direct opposition to those feelings, all the love and compassion in the universe had poured into my soul, soothing me and restoring me. To this day, months later, I still reflect on the flood of emotions that night and how I should exist in this world having felt all those things.