My journey of self discovery and reflection is simultaneous with my journey of psychedelic exploration. As a senior in high school I had yet to comprehend life outside of my adolescent box. I was Limited in Psychoactive experiences, when I was spontaneously introduced to an experience that would spark a lifelong passion for psychedelic healing. My world opened up and I realized what a dark dank box I was sequestered to for the entirety my life so far.
Now for some people, this may have looked like a novice act of adolescent rebellion. But I knew it was the supernatural spark I’d always been searching for. And l I intended to harness and evolve with. I was using my senior time to focus on myself and explore my internal being. For the first time in my life I was enjoying solitude and not obsessing about social status, appearance, and material wealth. these distractions were silenced and it was only me.
I was stripped of any former conception of identity and left with the vulnerable child I once was. I was lost in the rabbit hole of self and determined to define it. The first discovery I made was my blackness. Something I had suppressed and blinded myself to. I was embedded with a lot of confusion and internalized racial issues that had no outlet but self hate. I started by listening to Lauryn hill and India Arie. The stuff my mom used to play when I was a kid. I was stuck questioning what it means to be black.
The next discovery I made was nature. I always loved nature growing up but never had full access to it. After going vegan I dove into environmental sustainability and strengthened my connection to the sources of my consumption. This whole journey began with this lost little biracial girl stuck in a man made box looking for answers beyond its walls.
My final discovery was transforming into a sustainable mindset. Learning that maintaining a healthy mind in turn impacts how I interact with my surroundings. I Realized that I can’t improve on sustainable actions if my mind isn’t healthy and I can’t learn what it means to be black if I don’t understand my own experience as an individual. Psychedelics were a catalyst for healing these internalized traumas.
They led me to my education career rooted in my path of self discovery. Eventually I turned my passion for psychedelics into a degree in psychology and double minor in black studies and sustainability studies. The three discoveries of passion I found through my psychedelic experiences. The importance of mental health, culture, and sustainability. During my studies, I was surprised to find that there is knowledge in black studies that so beautifully explains other life experiences.
Double consciousness is one example of a black studies theory that mirrors some of my past psychedelic revelations. oftentimes we are aware of what other people think of us. There is this external shell or facade that other people see, react, and respond to. It is made up of stereotypes or surface level cues. We are highly conscious of this external self and sometimes confuse it with our real internal selves. Psychedelics have helped me to better align this internal and external self so I’m not trying to keep up with these two separate energies. I can just make one harmonious thriving being I call myself.
This leads me to another finding in Black Feminist Therum, Intersectionality. When I was educated on intersectionality coined by Kimberlee Crenshaw though theorized by black women throughout history, it all began to make sense. I am this complex individual made up of layer upon layer of identity. I am a woman, I’m also black and half Korean making me biracial. Not to mention I have lighter skin and… I can go on forever.
My psychedelic analytical tendencies could not keep its brain power off this reflection of simultaneous black, biracial womanhood. The complexity of character and physical representation deconstructs in my psychedelic state. After an experience I try to piece back together a newly healed identity after exploring each piece thoroughly. It’s like Asking yourself what will you keep? What do you truly need? And Why? The concept of intersectionality helped my process of rebuilding the self. I began to appreciate my layers of complexity. I recognized that I am no simple being but an ever evolving life force.
Looking back this journey would have gone so much smoother if we had resources, knowledge or community. We had to figure this stuff out by ourselves. This is why psychedelic education is so important. Not everyone can integrate these experiences independently and some people prefer it. Providing opportunity to do both is necessary. We need opportunities to exercise our independence especially when it comes to sustainable lifestyle choices. You can’t always have someone there as a guide. Reinstating confidence in your choice is sustainable.