:)

I’ve always cherished my experiences with LSD. My trips have been consistent in that the level of consciousness that I feel while I am at the peak of the journey, is a feeling unlike anything I’ve ever felt before. Opening my eyes to unequivocal truths and appreciating each one of them, uncovering the layers of biases that the very meaning of “truth” possesses, and determining my role in conveying or opposing those truths are all a part of each experience that I have with LSD. To sum up my experiences in one or two words; profoundly beautiful.

My experiences with LSD have all been positive ones, but that is not to say that I haven’t had to face some of these difficult truths while navigating through the trip. Some of my most in depth self-reflection and realizations have occurred during these trips. Having a heightened sense of awareness can be utilized in many ways, but it is always important to me to turn inward at any point during this time. Taking advantage of the awareness and heightened consciousness and reflecting on our innermost thoughts and perceptions, and tracing them back to where they all began in the first place helps me to heal and grow into my most authentic and aware self. These experiences have allowed me to acknowledge myself as a human being above all else, who isn’t too proud to be capable of making mistakes, to apologize to somebody when I’ve wronged them, who is not overly critical of myself or others, and to reinforce the fact that I must always be growing and changing.

One of these realizations happened upon me when I was living in Southern California. My mom and brother were in town for a visit, a rare and welcome change of pace. When my mom used to visit me, she would always book a reservation for us to go and ride horses. She has always had a fondness for horses, and I enjoyed going on rides on occasion as well. Something about riding a strong, beautiful horse through the mountains and taking in the majestic nature views that reside in California will quickly transform you into a calming, meditative state. When I learned that the three of us would be going on a horseback ride together, it dawned on me that this would be the perfect opportunity to take a dose with my brother so that we could heighten the experience of feeling already so connected to nature.

I procured a tab of LSD for myself, and my brother (both including just a singular dose) from a trusted friend of mine. We opted not to tell our mom that we were going to do it. She does not approve of hallucinogenic substances, and would have been disappointed to learn that we were dosing together. One might think that doing an acid trip with your mom present, and having to hide the fact that you are tripping in the first place would be a nightmare. It truly wasn’t, though. It was lovely.

 We took our tabs about 30 minutes before getting on the horses, which led to the both of us coming up just as the sun was beginning to lower in the sky and we mounted on our horses. One of my most prominent memories from that journey was the come up; as corny as it sounds, I felt extraordinarily connected to the horse I was riding. His name was Willow. They are such incredibly powerful animals. I thought a lot about how it must feel to have to carry around humans all day, and got trapped in the mindset of doubting how well these animals were cared for. I was stuck on the thought of miscare, and could not move past it in my mind. This ~of course~  led to me asking a series of questions to our trail leader, in which he assured me that the horses were well taken care of and not overworked. In fact, each horse only was used for trail riding once or twice a month. Other than that, I learned that they spent their days freely enjoying the vast and mountainous property that the ranch was located on. 

After confirming that the horses were indeed, well cared for, I felt I could refocus on connecting with Willow and taking in my surroundings. We began to reach an incline, and I worried that it would slow him down and exhaust him. He actually began to pick up speed, to my surprise. I trusted him entirely, and he trotted up the bumpy terrain with ease. When we reached the top, there was a beautiful vista awaiting us that spanned out for miles. We could see the edges of the ocean, and I took a moment to focus on that gaze. I remember the sky looking as though it were patterned, and it was one of the single most beautiful things I had ever seen. Shades of blue that were somehow pale but bright and filled with light at the same time, with tiny ripples flowing across it. I looked back at my brother, who was staring at the sky in the exact same way that I was. He looked at me, eyes so wide, and smiled in disbelief. Our mom was looking at the same sky and enjoying her surroundings as well, but certainly not in the same way that we were. Still to this day it is one of our best kept secrets, as well as our fondest memories with our mom.

The trail ride itself lasted for about 2-3 hours, and it felt as though I were peaking the entire time. There were never any lulls, just a consistent combination of deep relaxation yet the heightened awareness, and pure and utter euphoria. Taking in all of the beauty of the mountains, and then finishing the ride out and letting the horses canter across the beach and run as fast as they could, it was magnificent. By the end I felt like I’d been riding Willow for hours on end and felt a deep sense of sadness when I had to get off of him. It felt like I suddenly lost a part of me (corny again, I know but can you blame me?). 

I always feel as though big parts of who you are, even ones that you try to keep tucked away or to keep at bay, they just ooze out of you when you embark on an LSD trip. For me, my deep appreciation for animals and horses in particular (which just in general, isn’t necessarily at the forefront of my personality) contributed to the trip a lot because I didn’t just feel as though this horse was a vehicle during my trip, an animal that was literally carrying me up a mountain and back down again. I felt as though he had temporarily become a literal extension of me, which is why departing was such an emotional task (my legs also felt very unstable and wobbly those first few steps, as one could imagine).Why do we choose to go on psychedelic trips/journeys? Is it for escapism? Do we take these mental quests in search of specific existential answers? I have never known, but I also do not believe that there is one right answer, or one specific reason. Each trip is like a snowflake in that sense. In my past experiences, each LSD trip that I’ve had has been founded on different premises. Some have occurred because the timing was just right and I seized the opportunity, some were planned out for events like concerts and music festivals. I do believe now, however, that there needs to be an element of spontaneity. Keeping it around so that the opportunity CAN be seized is a practice I have grown fond of, because it leads to unexpected and wild experiences and for me, a general feeling of release. Always feeling that with each trip, I am leaving something behind when I come down that I am not meant to continue carrying with me. And so it doesn’t really matter the purpose or intent of one’s experience going into an LSD trip (although it never hurts to set intentions), rather what you are able to let go of. In my opinion, the only commonality that is necessary to invoke across any psychedelic journey is having the capacity to shed a layer of skin, be vulnerable with yourself and those that you may be sharing in the experience with, and go forth into the real world carrying a new, lighter sense of self. Whether or not that involves riding a horse, well you know, to each their own.